Blog 19: Twisted and Tormented

I hate having to be strong for others when on the inside, I'm breaking down myself. No one gets to see this; I'm supposed to be strong. I'm the dignified "crying shoulder" of my friends and family; it seems everyone has problems to tell me. Whether or not they concern me isn't an issue. Sometimes I just want to scream and cry but that's not allowed of me. And besides, who wants to see that? I know that no one notices when somethings wrong unless there's a physical sign. This blog is likely to get little attention but for those it does get the attention of, its going to make them feel sorry for me (which is nothing I want) and try to pity talk me the next time they see me. I just want someone to be able to be my shoulder; someone who can bare what I have to tell. Its not fair for me to have to carry my own burdens along with many others'; what kind of deal is that? The ones that I think can help don't and the ones that I want to help can't. So what does that leave? Me bottling it up until it gets to the point of overflowing and then let loose. There's enough people in my life that should be able to listen and understand and console me without pity but help is rare and far between when received. I just need someone to talk to and someone to hold me instead of the other way around. I hate crying and I don't do it often and if I do its small tears that are really significant but right now I feel like crying. I want to sob and there's no one here for me to lean on. How does that work? I feel tormented...What others don't seem to realize is that I'm human also. I do have emotions and my own problems which build up stress (which is why I'm always so irritable and frustrated) and no way to release them other than writing which sometimes only makes it worse because I can see the full extent of damage to my mind and heart. What soul can take everything that comes at them and push it off to still maintain their self? I know of none. Even though all this is overbearing, I couldn't stand to be a wall; it would seem unbearable. So what new way of releasing all this kept up feelings is there if there's any at all? I simply don't know. I love it how my mind can be on overdrive to calculate horrible things but when it comes to happiness and creativity its lost. I just want all the suffering to end. Why can't I just be left alone where I want with who and what I want? Even for just a day that would be enough. But life doesn't work that way and I'll have to manage this charade until someone dares to share my weight.